Sunday, December 14, 2008
in the world of her own
Of late, I've been in my very own little world. I take a few minutes just to give a simple reply to people who talk to me. (that is, if they manage to get my attention in the first place) I find it very hard to concentrate at work too. (as much as I am trying to) I've been trying to type a proper sentence since a few minutes ago. It took me a while to find the right words to express my thoughts here. What is going on exactly in my mind?
Why is this happening to me? Somehow, I thought that work is causing me to behave like this. I am a little stressed out at work. It is a totally different phase to me. I joined Options Trade Support last Wednesday. I was excited about the new role and am still. However, I have to admit that stress builds up gradually as each day passes. Imagine that I have to study work after work every day? It feels like I'm back in school again. I'm not dreading this but I'm just worried that I will fail the expectations of everyone in the team. I will be replacing the colleague who will leave on the 26th. Because nobody else (including the manager) knows how to perform his role well, I will be the left on my own once he leaves. This gives me additional pressure to understand and absorb as much as I can in the next two weeks.
I am glad that I do have a little background in the systems the team uses. It does help me to pick up things more easily.
This is only the beginning and... I know that I've got to be stronger. Learning to be stronger is categorised as the basic survival skill at work. I am a bit stronger at work now... but it doesn't mean that I am strong out of work. There are a few issues on my mind which I find it hard to solve within my emotional capacity....I only have this much to use.
Guess Mr Wu has been badly fired at by me lately... all because of my mood swings. I do feel quite bad about it. Well, could it be that we've been seeing each other too often?! Indeed, the probability of exchanging heated arguments is higher when you see each other often. I used to think that being too clingy to your boyfriend is definitely a no-no for me. On the contrary, I am getting clingy so as he claimed. Has it become a habit for me? What will happen if he leaves me one day?
I don't want to go through what happened three years ago. Things ended terribly then... and it took me a long time to recover. I changed for the worse to recover and I wasn't being myself. I didn't have to do that... yet I did it unknowingly. Who did that to me? That asshole.
I guess, the best way out is to nurture independence in myself. You can be the cause of your own happiness; that was something I realised during the three years.
It is only on my own when I think wisely and calmly. Hope things in my life will change for the better.
Posted by carrousel at 1:10 AM
