Sunday, November 15, 2009

I am filled with high amount of uncertainty and boredom.

Saturday is gone. How did I spend Saturday? 2.5 rounds of mahjong session at boyfriend's place with his friends. I must say that today was a very lucky day for me. I was a big winner!

This week's lunch is secured! Lol.

But I'm guessing, the winnings will be all spent by tomorrow. I haven't been able to save much this month. Thankfully, 23rd is near.

That also tells me that my block leave is near too. I am really looking forward to the long break. Perhaps, try to do the things I've never had time for. I've decided that I'd want to prepare lunches for boyfriend before he goes to work during my leave period.

Speaking of boyfriend, we had a big issue last week. I was terribly upset over what happened. Though everything was over and I should try to forget what happened, I am afraid I couldn't. I poured out my woes to my sister over MSN. She talked me out of worrying too much. I have to agree that my worries can be groundless at times. Both of us think differently with regards to me making effort to interact with his parents. I do think that what I am doing is a slow but good and commendable start. It just hurt me so badly when he said it was obvious I was not making ANY effort. I beg to differ though.

I must say that I am still very much affected by an unforgettable incident which happened before we got together. Of course, it involved his parents too. His parents gave me a big fright. I shan't go into the details of the incident. For those who are close to me, you girls should know what I am referring to. Needless to say, boyfriend thought that the incident was a past and he did not know I would be affected even up till today. Why couldn't he just understand me better?


I was utterly disappointed.

I felt he wasn't the same guy I used to know. Hmmm... let's just say, everyone changes. But for the better or worse, it's very subjective. In this case, I could sense the difference in his treatment towards me. Whenever I tell him about this, he'd claim that nothing has changed and he still loves me the same. For god's sake, women can tell a difference immediately. I bet a lot of girls out there are thinking the same as me.

He promised to change for the better. I hope he does.

I thought of giving up. The thought has never crossed my mind for a long time until few days ago. I was badly affected and suffered from tension headache from a night of crying on Wednesday. I felt ashamed of myself. I woke up with a heavy head and decided to take sick leave. I knew I could not be ready for work on Thursday.

I really have to tell myself to stop thinking about it anymore. It will only make me unhappy and upset. At the same time, I felt unsure of myself as well.

I do not want to give him any pressure because he hasn't been feeling well the past few days. Boyfriend is down with a cold and my weekend is boring. We couldn't do much , couldn't go anywhere but his home. Obviously, I do not like staying there for too long. Yeap, seeing his parents time and time again reminds me of the reason why we fell out few days ago.

At this instance, a lot of negative thoughts and thoughts are crowding my mind again.

'Will we fight over the same issue again?' 'How long will the relationship last?' 'How long more am I going to stay upset over the same issue?' 'Things may not be the same again.' 'Will he keep his word and not add unnecessary pressure?'

Isn't being in a relationship supposed to be a happy thing? Or is it just a sweet beginning with bitter ending?