Tuesday, December 22, 2009

8 days since the last entry, no changes and not getting any better.

Only getting the worse I can say. I'm getting worse at work and communicating with boyfriend.

The last weekend was disastrous but I was proud of myself of being able to hold back my tears in public. A supposedly happy shopping spree turned into an awkward situation when both of us started to walk further and further away from each other. It all came about because of a misunderstanding which I thought was totally trivial.

I've got no idea why he over-reacted in the first place. Even before I did. I'm so amazed. I don't know whether I should be proud of him or ashamed of myself. What am I talking about?

In a way, I was ashamed of myself. I didn't think it was my fault but I took the initiative to apologise for all unhappiness caused by a misunderstanding. And... the misunderstanding resulted from miscommunication. I did not think of going for his family dinner last Sunday and he thought I would be going all along. I didn't want to go because I don't want to end up going home very late and then not having enough sleep for work the next day. As expected, I reached home quite late on Sunday.

Maybe 10ish will not be considered late to some people but it is late to me especially when I have to work the next day. By the time I prepared for bed, it was around 12ish. What made it worse was I had trouble sleeping that night. I only slept around 1ish - 2am. I was extremely restless on on Monday. Come to think of it, I did not really enjoy the dinner too.

It is my space here and I have the right to write whatever I like. A plate of vermicelli (our main) supposedly to be shared between me and boyfriend but was asked to share with the rest of table. How weird? After gorging the rest of it, questions came, "you guys ate so little!" I don't know what to comment but to say, "I am full, thank you! " with a big SMILE.

What else could I say that is diplomatically correct? I don't want to put boyfriend in a difficult position. What made me sad the most was I didn't think boyfriend was appreciative of my efforts. I'm clueless. All he did was to show some foul face because of a misunderstanding which resulted from a stupid dinner. I think we were on the same issue few months back. He said he will be understanding. Obviously, that isn't the case.

I speed-dialed boyfriend earlier on when I was at plaza. I took a long time to decide on what to get for dinner. Instead of making a quick decision, I rang him up. Simply because I missed him. The first thing he said to me was, "What happened? Why did you call me?" Does it require a reason for a couple to ring up each other? I don't know what made him ask that. When he asked that, I was slightly taken aback. I didn't know if I sounded unusual. I probably did. I am bad at hiding my emotions.

I was quite sad. I felt that the words he said to me seemed to be the kind of words you'd tell to a friend whom you've never heard from in a 1000 years.

I feel that the gap is widening. What to do? I am clueless. Is it me, him or just us?


He's always telling me I think too much. I hate it. I beg to differ. It's the way he makes me feel.

Work as usual is just plain shit. Another blunder, another management. Sometimes, I wonder if I am suitable for the role. I dread going to work everyday.