Saturday, May 8, 2010

Today was the last day of the 7-day wake. I've lost her for good and I do hope that she has left for somewhere for lesser pain, worries and sufferings.

I started wondering to myself, "How much time in the world, at this moment, am I left with to do what I want? " If I ever know that I would pass on anytime soon, what are the things I want to do? In fact, countless things have come to my mind.

What would I want to do for myself, friends, family and boyfriend? For now, my greatest fear is losing my family member/close friend/boyfriend. I used to think that death is frightening, I see another light now. It isn't as frightening as watching somebody you love pass on and not being able to do anything about it.

Ironically, the wake made me see between friends who really care and friends who can't really be bothered with me. To the latter bunch, goodbye is the word. People belonging to this bunch are probably those who think that words speak louder than actions. If you care for me, do something!

I'd recognize your efforts and sincerity.

I'm getting sick of peer competition. It is needless for me to further elaborate on this. I want to keep this to myself. There will always be somebody better than you, I can only do my best and the best is all I can do and give. Very importantly, I have to be contented with what I have.

I was touched that boyfriend got me Zara shopping vouchers to cheer me up from the recent spate of unhappiness. Then again, after what he told me some 30 minutes ago, I am now depressed and hurt. The hurtful words his parents said about me bruised me badly. It also wrecked the positive impression I slowly built of them over time INSTANTLY. I couldn't believe what they said about me. If I had told my parents of this, they'd definitely be fuming mad. They obviously meant something awful with that. I knew it but I kept it to myself in tears. In fact, I was certain boyfriend knew that they meant something awful with that and he told me that he told them off.

What is their problem? Are they afraid they'll lose their son to me? Are they not confident of their upbringing? Please... for goodness' sake, I am so tired of this nonsense. Calling me in the middle of the night and asking for the whereabouts of their son does put me off to some extent. It does get ridiculous because boyfriend may not be with me sometimes when they call. Should I change my number? I know they are boyfriend's parents but after what they said about me, I don't think they deserve my time and efforts at all. I wonder if his parents any ideal type of girl friend they'd like their son to date. Maybe a girl who only sees their son once a week, listens to everything they say and one who dresses conservatively?

Really, I must have failed badly then. The question is, can I still be myself?

I felt bad because I was partly responsible for boyfriend said he felt sandwiched between his parents and me.

As much as I'd like to talk to somebody now, I know that I have only have this infinite space to write on about my feelings and thoughts at this hour.

Nothing will stop me here. I'm afraid that I'd break down if I tell somebody face-to-face, yes, even if somebody is my closest friend.

Everything I built of them is wrecked.

I don't want to appear 'petty' but... like I always said, perhaps some things are better left unsaid.

Maybe boyfriend shouldn't have told me this at all. Should I say, I am glad he did? At least he was honest with me.

I am lost, how should I carry on this with him? Head or heart to go? Whatever I said earlier to boyfriend, I lied.

I said, "I won't cry anymore." I lied and end result is buckets of tears.
I said, "I don't need you to keep me company further, please go now." I lied and end result is buckets of tears with a tinge of loneliness. I know that he had to go otherwise he'd get it from his parents for going home late.

I do not blame boyfriend for anything. I can only show more patience and positivity in face of this unresolved path.

Maybe I'll start shutting myself down from people soon. I need "me"time loads;

Escapade, chocolates, shopping, mahjong, KOI, music, TV, sleep and whatever that qualifies as a form of solace for me now.