Friday, May 14, 2010
This is the best time to write this entry - when he has already boarded the plane to Korea. I hope he'd take this good chance to spend and enjoy quality time with his family, especially his parents. I'd be deceiving myself if I tell anyone that my mood is not at the least affected by his departure. We did not spend much time together today. We met for a simple lunch and he left office earlier than I did for his flight.
For the past two days, he was busy helping his cousin on shooting a video for a project. Hardly having much time for me, I did feel neglected the past few days. The truth is, I was mentally prepared for this some time ago. I am just a little disappointed with some questions on my head, "Why did he promise to help his cousin instead of giving his free time to me?", "Why doesn't he think of spending more time with me when he can?", "If he'd really miss me so much during the trip, shouldn't he try to spend more time with me when he can?" "Is helping his cousin more important than spending time with me?" So many questions and I can only give selfish answers to them. I really, am a bad girlfriend.
I know he's worried for me. He's worried that I wouldn't take good care of myself when he's not around. The only thing I did to make him leave for Korea with a piece of mind was to try to stay happy! Even though I tried, I know that I probably failed badly and I could tell that he doesn't want to go to Korea much. I guess, I really couldn't stay happy. So much on my mind; boyfriend, his parents and work.
I told boyfriend that I am still very much bothered by his parents' words. I could tell that he tried his best to assure me that what his parents said about me would not come between both of us. It's so much easier said than done. I have no wish to have him sandwiched between me and his parents again. I am pretty sure that filial piety means more to him. What is love?
It is just...nothing but trouble and worry to him probably? Hmmm...boyfriend used to get upset easily whenever I did not try to interact with his parents. After hearing what his parents said about me, I told him that it'd be hard for me to face his parents again...let alone interacting with them. I am sorry but I'd like to be selfish and protect my feelings for a short while. I have the right to be selfish and I do not have to feel guilty about it, isn't it? Everybody has the same right.
I am not sure what is going to happen in the future if my selfishness persists on.
Enough of relationship troubles. Work troubles is next. This blog is full of troubling thoughts.
Work volume has been demanding lately. I know that for the next 2 weeks -a month, situation would be even worse. My team mate is leaving in early June and I am starting to take over. There will be at least two people down per day in June. I can't imagine. There were two people down on Tues... and I was dead busy. I did not even have much time to take my takeaway lunch. The work load and stress made me lose appetite too. I just couldn't eat much. I felt terrible on Tuesday when I returned to the office after one week of break.
I've never felt this way at work before. That day, I was very tempted to LEAVE the office because I felt I couldn't breathe!
Yeap, it was this horrible feeling and I was really afraid.
Damn. Where happened to my idea of being a star performer at work? I definitely can't let this horrible feeling conquer me so quickly!
Work sucks, isn't it? I don't know why... I am positive I can do well in my new role. It is only a matter of time I see the results of my hard work.
I will be patient and wait for the day to come.
Posted by carrousel at 10:31 PM
