Friday, June 4, 2010

After last weekend, I thought about going back to school for another year or so. Am I not suitable to work on?

Maybe the indication was unclear and not strong. I don't know what to do. Hmmm, will I be able to do better in future if I further my studies?

I need a sign, please. Where do I find the extra money to study further?

Right now, my goal in life is to work hard for bonus next year. Not only for bonus, I must work hard for myself too. I haven't been myself this week. I felt that the week was way too horrible for me to bear.

I go to work everyday, feeling withdrawn. I tried to talk to people at work but I felt conversations were purely 'just for show'. In fact, I am getting increasingly paranoid and skeptical of my team people too. I wasn't sure of what to expect from them anymore. There were some incidents at work which opened up other negative views of them which I'd never imagine.

We had a new seating arrangement in the office this week. I just felt that working relationships are so brittle. The girl whom used to sit next to me was the one I talked to most in the team. With the new seating arrangement, she sits diagonally opposite me now. I've no idea why, but within days, I felt a big gap between us. The gap was especially evident after Wednesday. Right, let's give a code for her "JL".

A town hall was scheduled at 8PM on Wednesday and I did not stay for it. I lied that I had fixed an appointment on the day itself before I got the invitation for it. I only told my manager I wasn't going. My manager instructed JL to go for the town hall because she herself could not make it either. She wanted JL to keep her abreast of the updates during the town hall. My manager sucks, isn't it? Just because she couldn't go for the town hall, she made someone else stay back late for it.

I didn't think it was compulsory to go but management would have appreciated full attendance if it was possible. JL sent an email out to the team and informed the team that she'd be getting a farewell gift for the "soon-to-ORD" colleague since she had some time to spare before the town hall that evening. She indicated that she'll be going with another colleague and asked if we'd be okay with the budget for the gift.

Well, she did not even ask if I had wanted to join in. I didn't think she knew I wasn't going to stay for the town hall. I did not tell her. The only person who knew about it was my manager. If she assumed that I'd be staying for the town hall, why didn't she ask me to join her and another colleague to have dinner and get the gift together? I was rather disappointed and upset with her over this. What does it tell about the relationship we shared when she used to sit next to me?

I tried not to think too much on it but I couldn't help it. Is she trying to distant herself away from me because her status is different now? Why did I say that? My manager thinks highly of her now because she is the most experienced worker in the team. I could tell that JL's impression of my manager has changed for the better! I'd like to say that even a blind could tell that my manager values her more than anyone else in the team now. JL assists in over-seeing the daily BAU undertakings now and she makes sure that everyone adheres to 'rules' now.

Will I have another 'manager' in the team soon? I will regulate the words I tell JL now. I just need to be wary of her.

Now, I am having a hard time with people at work, isn't it? There is nobody I can trust and talk to in the team! Am I being too paranoid?

My random thoughts at work lately: "Why do I even bother? Making friends and pleasing everyone at work is not my main duty. I just need to make sure that I do my job well so that nobody can find fault with me. That is enough, isn't it?"

With regards to work performance, I am positive. I know I am doing better with time. I do wonder, "If I were given a chance to start with TS right from the start, would my performance surpass most of my team members now?" Yes, I 'd think so.

Bad luck. I lost out a lot during the last one year. It's time to fight back for the loss.

I shall be the one having the last laugh this time. I want to do this like never before!

I can feel that June is here. It was my colleague's last day today. I will be taking over him but it would not be official until my replacement comes in in July.

My sucky manager did not make any arrangements for coverage between now and July. She assumes that I am ready anytime to handle two roles. How wonderful?

I'd be dead busy from next week till mid July, I am all prepared.