Saturday, October 16, 2010

Mood as unstable as can be, frustration is getting to me as much as can be.

"I don't know why, don't ask me." I told boyfriend this. Well, so-called the 'time of the month' symptoms maybe.

When it's near, anything and anyone can just make you feel not right. For example, I was dining with boyfriend just now. I couldn't decide what to have.

Being nice, he decided on fish and chips for me at Pappa Rich. It tasted horrible and annoyed me a lot. I couldn't finish even though the portion looked appetizing. I'd never return to the god-damn place again!

Surprisingly, I am feeling better the minute I started typing here... Because this space is free and doesn't have any capacity! I do not have to worry about talking to somebody who is just sitting around for the sake of doing so.

When I have boyfriend around to listen to me, I can't seem to talk freely sometimes. Maybe some feelings and words are just not meant to be told. I often expect him to understand me without me having to say or do much. But I know he does feel lost and helpless most of the time. I must be quite selfish. I always think to myself, "Why can't he understand me even after of some years of being together?"

Is it really so hard to understand girls?

We had a conflict just this week. He had a female friend who delivered on Tuesday and he wanted to visit her on Wednesday evening. Well, I wasn't very unhappy to hear of his intention. When my sister delivered, he did not make an effort to visit her.

I told him I wasn't unhappy but his reaction was bad and totally unacceptable to me. He thought I wanted him to abort the plan. When I told him that I was unhappy, I made it clear that I did not want to get anything out of this. I just wanted to let him know how I felt about it. In the end, he decided not to go and visit his friend. He probably did this to be fair and accountable to me.

It just made things uglier later. Unfortunately, Tuesday night was a bad time (in his view) to argue because he had to prepare for his 1-to-1 review with his manager the next morning. He told me that I could have picked a better time. I was fuming mad and utterly disappointed with him. Perhaps I should have been more understanding but I didn't think he should blame me for his poor time management skills!

If he had known that the review happens fortnightly, he should have done his preparations much earlier. I couldn't think well after what he said except for three letters! (WTF)

I hate to use the three letters but who could have imagined how angry and upset I was that night.

I guess I am still a little upset and angry... and I haven't felt like we're in a relationship ever since what happened that day. Things are getting bland. I don't know what to do about it. When I met up with the girls on Tuesday, housing was one of the topics. I probably know why I did not feel any urge to get a house now.

It's normal to have a conflicts in a relationship but... if we keep having conflicts over the same issue, there is really something wrong with the relationship I guess. I've talked to him about it. There is definitely a reason why I felt upset and angry.... and the reason is I still love him and I still care about him. Of course, I hope he wouldn't take the reason for granted and continue the way he is.

Within work lies unhappiness and I thought things would be different beyond work. Looks like I was so wrong.

I find it hard to get along with my brother these days. Or simply, I can't stand the sight of him lately. I hate to say that he seems like a good-for-nothing. Or was it that I failed to recognize his merits?

I doubt the latter. He came home from a movie and boyfriend who was here said hello to him. He ignored boyfriend.

What a rude attitude he has. I can summarize his weekend activities easily; EAT, SLEEP and WATCH TV. I don't know value can his activities add? He's a guy, for goodness' sake! I've tried to talk to him. I probably put my words across badly because I simply couldn't stand the way he's leading life.

I hate good-for-nothings. I don't care how, I hope he'll 'wake up' one day. I can't imagine what my parents will live on if both my sister and myself are not around anymore.

I feel worried.